Ididian Incident report form:
[Please do not sign above this line]
The following report is for incident # 8542, hereby known as “No Zero days”
Since Ididian 7 lost all power during this time no security footage could be found, so we will be having our onsite artist depict the events to hopefully show a clearer time line of what transpired.
Survivor report 17
[Door to the interview room is kicked open by unknown smiling man in suit]
Unknown man: Howdy turd blossom!
Interviewer: oh, I see you survived…Gerald… or would you prefer Mr. [redacted] head of the Ididian Co.?
Mr. [redacted]: either way is fine by me ya little doofus, I see the board put you in charge while I was away. Also heard you tried to kill one of my friends ya little shit.
I: Yes, he had info that was detrimental to public saf--
M: BLAH BLAH POOT POOT FART!!! First let me talk to this doll over here
[Mr. [redacted] dashes to interview stenographer]
So what ya got going after this babe? How bout you, me, and this bottle of SUPER WINE!! Make some fun memories! WINK!
[Mr. [redacted] reveals a bottle of wine seemly out of nowhere, his advances are ignored he then looks over stenographer shoulder]
“reveals a bottle of wine seemly out of nowhere, his advances…” Awwww you guys suck EL.OH. EL
[Mr. [redacted] throws bottle over shoulder at wall]
You have to type everything I do? Also why do you keep writing [in mock robot voice] “REDACTED” on my last name… it’s LITERALLY the same as the company. Plus I thought you guys did that after anyway, so that means every time I say my name you have to put [in mock robot voice] “REDACTED”?
Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [re3dacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redactdaed] Mr. [reseddacted] Mr. [reddsacted] Mr. [redacted] Mr. [redadsdcted] Mr. [redacdsed]
[Mr. [redacted] looks over my shoulder]
Ohhhhh ya messed up a few times, give me a kiss and I won’t tell your boss
[Mr. [redacted] looks over stenographer’s shoulder again, not realizing the stenographer will clock him if he refuses to stop hitting on her]
“Over stenographer’s shoulder again, not realizing the stenographer will clo--“ jeez tough crowd, hey who is that guy over there?
[Points to interview on-site artist]
Hey!!! Draw me doing this!!!
[Makes stupid pose, then walks over to look over his shoulder]
LAME!!! You even have to block out my face!??!! GAWD I hate what you and the board have done to this place Tom Tom.
I: please don’t call me that, and the board is merely concerned with public safety.
M: enough to try and have me killed again Idiot face?
I: The board and I have no idea what you’re ta--
M: Can it Butt-head, I might be immortal, but you and the board know as well as I do that I can be killed, this makes what… the fifth attempt in the last 62 years. I refuse to let you idiots turn MY company into military for hire.
I: Sir, these calms are unfounded and--
M: with me out of the way, the board would get free reign over everything, not happening today or any other day ya communist faggot!! I mean, what was it, about 500 people killed, over a hundred contained, just to get at me.
I: I have no idea what you’re talking about, sir.
M: Hey, Ding dong face, I had “the Unit’ investigate Big sister #1, seems 3 weeks before this whole thing went down you had a conversation with her. Smart move cutting all the cam feeds… Guessing it was just coincidence that right after you leave and cams come back on she just so happens to know she can use her gravity abnormality to hit pressure points and basically control minds, I’m guessing it was also coincidence she found out she could mentally communicate with some of the Big sisters huh? Maybe plan a coordinated attack? hmmmmmm But im no Dick Tracy i--
M: Shut up ya little cum toaster!! I’m no Dick Tracy, but that shit don’t add up. Now I’m sure you might not have planned on all this chaos going down, but you and your boys set all this up I’m betting, funny coincidence all the Big Sisters were transferred to my building where I’m stationed with my sick bachelor pad for “repairs on cells” and no one thought to tell me… I was half way through Harvest Moon when this shit went down ya little asshat!
Lucky me Captain C. Montgomery Maul and C.J. found and saved me, oh and by the way I reinstated his rank you little Fart bucket!
I: I have no i--
M: I can’t demote you because you’re on the board, but I know, you know, that I know, that you knew, that I knew, that I know, that you know, that you knew, that Maul would come and find me first and protect me with his life… Guessing you’ve been asking everyone where he was huh? Find him, find me?
I: I have no ide--
M: also, I’m using my Alpha executive privilege to remove Emily, Big sister 4, from the big sister list… She will be raised, trained, and cared for by C. Montgomery Maul from here on out. Corporal Johnathon “Johnny” Hicks, 4th brigade, Unit Ididian 6 will be moved to second in command under C. Montgomery Maul and receive a purple heart for bravery (I knew teaching him that damn passcode everyday would save him). C.J. is to be memorialized in all our buildings as a hero, also give C.J.’s family a purple heart. Tell them C.J. died saving us all. Are we clear son?
M: good, time to get back more involved with the company and set us back to what our original goals were and the reason I started the company…Which arrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee… [looks at interviewer]
I:Ididian, To secure, Contain, and prot--
M: NOPE [makes loud “BUZZING” noise] it’s to find HAWT Monster girls with big sexy boobs!!! Go on…
I: [interviewer sighs] to find hot monster girls with big sexy boobs, sir.
M: good! Also you’re adopted.
I: you, me, and mom, rest her soul, know that’s not true.
M: Doesn’t matter, [Mr. [redacted] moves to exit] EAT A BAG OF DICKS SON!!! SEE YOU AT CHRISTMAS DINNER YA DOUCHENOZZLE!
“No Zero days” death count is estimated to be 499 and 183 Contained at this point.